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For All You Folks Who
Have Difficulty Converting Units:
Ratio of an
igloo's circumference to its diameter
= Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of
Chinese soup = Won ton
1 millionth of a
mouthwash = 1 microscope
Time between
slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement
=1 bananosecond
Weight an
evangelist carries with God
= 1 billigram
Time it takes to
sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour
= Knotfurlong
16.5 feet in the
Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large
intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1
megahurtz
Basic unit of
laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance
between two jokes = A straight line
453.6 graham
crackers = 1 pound cake
1 million
microphones = 1 megaphone
A Guide to Men's Tools
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you
in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it
against that freshly painted part you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprint whirls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it
takes you to say, "Sh...!!!"
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
their holes until they get red hot.
4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course,
the more dismal your future becomes.
6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.
7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars
and motorcycles, they are now used mainly as a sub for that 9/16 or 1/2"
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the
jack handle firmly under the bumper.
10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an
automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially
Douglas fir.
12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has
another hydraulic floor jack.
13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich
tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from
your boots.
14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in
bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount
prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip
on the end without the handle.
17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The homebuilder's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a droplight, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs
at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used, as the name implies, to
round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.
20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to an pneumatic impact wrench that
grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at GM, and
rounds them off or twists them off.
21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not
far from the object we are trying to hit.
24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents
of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly
well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic
parts, and your other hand not holding the knife.
AVIATION TERMINOLOGY
AIRSPEED - Speed
of an airplane. (Deduct 25% when listening to a retired fighter pilot.)
BANK - The folks who hold the lien on most pilots' cars.
CARBURETOR ICING - A phenomenon reported to the FAA by pilots immediately after
they run out of gas.
CONE OF CONFUSION - An area about the size of New Jersey located near the final
approach beacon at an airport.
CRAB - A VFR Instructor's attitude on an IFR day.
DEAD RECKONING - You reckon correctly, or you are.
DESTINATION - Geographical location 30 minutes beyond the pilot's bladder
saturation point.
ENGINE FAILURE - A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks mysteriously become
filled with low-octane air.
FIREWALL - Section of the aircraft specifically designed to funnel heat and
smoke into the cockpit.
FLIGHT FOLLOWING - Formation flying.
GLIDE DISTANCE - Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency
landing field.
HOBBS - An instrument which creates an emergency situation should it fail during
dual instruction.
HYDROPLANE - An airplane designed to land long on a short and wet runway.
IFR - A method of flying by needle and horoscope.
LEAN MIXTURE - Nonalcoholic beer.
MINI MAG LITE - Device designed to support the AA battery industry.
NANOSECOND - Time delay between the Low Fuel Warning light and the onset of
carburetor icing.
PARACHUTES - The two chutes in a Stearman
PARASITIC DRAG - A pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.
RANGE - Usually about 3 miles short of the destination.
RICH MIXTURE - What you order at another pilot's promotion party.
ROGER - Used when you're not sure what else to say.
SECTIONAL CHART - Any chart that ends 25 nm short of your destination.
SERVICE CEILING - Altitude at which cabin crew can serve drinks.
SPOILERS - FAA Inspectors.
STALL - Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late.
STEEP BANKS - Banks that charge pilots more than 10% interest.
TURN & BANK INDICATOR - An instrument largely ignored by pilots.
USEFUL LOAD - Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, disregarding weight.
VOR - Radio navigation aid, named after the VORtex effect on pilots trying to
home in on it.
WAC CHART - Directions to the Army female barracks.
YANKEE - Any pilot who has to ask New Orleans tower to "Say again". |
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Daffynitions -
AVOIDABLE:
What a
bullfighter tried to do.
BERNADETTE:
The act of torching a mortgage.
BURGLARIZE:
What a crook sees with.
CONTROL:
A short, ugly inmate.
EYEDROPPER:
A Clumsy ophthalmologist
HEROES:
What a guy in a
boat does.
MISTY:
How golfers create divots.
PARADOX:
Two physicians
PHARMACIST:
A helper on the farm.
POLARIZE:
What penguins see with.
NOW I know
what my problem is......
I was
diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch
table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can
under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage
first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out
the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check
left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to
my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm,
and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water
the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water
and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put
it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up
the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day. . .
----the car isn't washed,
----the bills aren't paid,
----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
----the flowers don't have enough water,
----there is still only 1 check in my check book,
----I can't find the remote,
----I can't find my glasses,
----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail.
And don't laugh -- if
this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.
(P.S. . Oh! . . I just remembered. I LEFT THE WATER
RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY!)
Why Pilots
Prefer Airplanes Over Women
*
Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman
takes her time.
* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a
switch.
* Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and
go."
* Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight
inspection.
* Airplanes come with a manual to explain their
operation.
* Airplanes have strict weight and balance
limitations.
* Airplanes can be flown at any time of the
month.
* Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
* Airplanes don't care about how many other
airplanes you've flown before.
* Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same
time.
* Airplanes don't mind if you look at other
airplanes.
* Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane
magazines.
* Airplanes
expect to be tied down.
* Airplanes don't comment on your piloting
skills.
* Airplanes don't whine unless something is
really wrong.
* However, when airplanes go quiet, just like
women, it's usually not good.
- contributed by Burt Swanson, retired Navy Pilot
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